I ran today with the team again. I warmed up with them all as a big group and then, with a wave, ran alongside our top runner. I didn't hear any grumblings, but perhaps I will in days to come. After a full night's sleep, some tea and a book I'm quite enjoying, I think I have to learn to stand my ground on those handful of ideas, notions and ethics I find essential.
I train with the team to make them better; to make me better. I believe that is how success is won: by hard work and being surrounded by other talented people who also work hard. I will explain my position to anyone who asks, but I don't think it's healthy to doubt the essence of what one believes to be true.
I will also really try to work on not doubting so much. The Trials is a BIG deal; as is the MFA. It's a hard thing not to focus on the probability of failure in both and all the little details that will, it seem, lead up to it. Yet, there are so many reasons I may not fail: I'm strong, I'm determined and I work hard. I have to put faith in those parts of my life-- I have to believe in me.
And so, I ran 14.5 miles today, not feeling great but I still managed a 7:30 pace. I remember a mere month ago, I would not have been able to do this. I'm getting better; I'm improving. The team I coach is getting better, too. Perhaps in a strange way it is not differences which separate us, but a slight shift in perspective. Maybe they do want me to make them better, but see me doing it in another way than simply running with them. I have to be more understanding of that, I think; just as I would hope they will understand my perspective as well.
And so, I'm off to the library today to do my first bout of research for a presentation I have on writer Jon Krakauer this week. And then, I will read more fellow-essays and attempt to write my own.
Which, really, is what this is all about. Trying: hoping. And learning to enjoy the journey even when a few minor obstacles arise now and then.